The period between Christmas and New Year is an odd hinterland of non-doing for me. The celebrations of Christmas pause and wait until the celebrations of New Year begin. That space between one year and the next is when I try and get through tasks that would normally be difficult to do, not because they’re hard, but because they require discipline and time – not something I’m normally abundent in!
This Christmas has been the same, and yet different from those of the past. Yes, I’ve spent a lot of time ticking things off my To – Do list like cleaning the car, sorting out all our paperwork and clearing wardrobes of the unwanted and unworn – I figure that these clothes could do with being appreciated by someone who will actually wear them. I’ve been organising, tidying, cleaning and clearing clutter, and not just physically either.
Earlier this year I had one of those revelation thingy’s – you know the sort that upend your life in some way. This was no exception, it allowed me to see what I needed to see in relation to who I am. At least that’s what I thought at the time. In truth, it simply started a process that will carry on until the day this body leaves the world.
Our lives are in constant flux. Change happens around us all the time but when we’re busy doing other things (in John Lennon’s words) we don’t notice that life is passing by, that our futures are being drawn at the same time and Christmas is the time I get the best sense of this happening. To be honest I’ve noticed it most years but rarely paid attention to it. This year, this strange year with its mixture of threat and opportunity, fear and joy, health and illness, lockdown and freedom, has forced an internal recognition that change is but a step or a look away for all of us. What matters is how we choose to view it.
Around about April I knew that who I was had changed. I started to find my voice and put it on a larger stage, this one. Sometimes what I had to say resonated, sometimes it didn’t. Along the way I’ve lost more followers than I’ve gained and felt better for it because this year was the year I realised I have spent my life constrained within a narrative constructed on the false premise that what I said mattered.
That’s not to say I don’t believe what I say matters. Of course I think it does otherwise what’s the point of writing, hosting podcasts and asking challenging questions? It’s more that I couldn’t be fully ‘me’, I was only representing a part of ‘me’. I believed that this bit of t’nternet needed to have a consistent message. I thought it needed coherance and to represent something that brought everything together in a single, seamless whole. In other words I’ve been trying to fit myself into a box of my own creation whilst all the time wondering what happens to the bits of me that just won’t play nicely in a square! They want to be a circle, or perhaps a hexagon or even a tetrahedron instead.
In other words, I’d forgotten that life is a wonderful, glorious mess and that we are all representations of it. Internally we have conflicting desires, thoughts, emotions and things we do. I’ve had this dawning realisation that rather than try and be something to a mythical audience who is interested in only one thing (health or happiness or creativity) instead I need to reflect the whole of me because that’s authentic, that’s real.
I’ve spent some time this Christmas resetting this blog and the biggest change will be in the domain name. I’m converting it to my own name. Healthy, happy woman is too limiting for me and my readers who, it turns out aren’t all women and aren’t necessarily interested in women’s health. This reflected a mistaken belief I must carry on appealing to my old followers from the Hysterectomy Association days, when in reality that is dead and gone. Although I will keep the archive of information here, at least for the time being, health and womens health in particular will only be something I refer to lightly going forward. I’ve dropped the counselling too. To be honest I was never that good at it anyway, I was far too challenging and not nice enough for most people. I will still take on coaching clients if people ask.
As for the whole of ‘me’, that’s me with the technology and change management bit thrown in too. I love to know what makes people tick and I especially love to do this in the world of my work in digital transformation. As a result you can expect to see some changes in the way I talk about psychology, philosophy, spirituality and creativity, because I’m weaving in the digital ‘human’ too.
I want to know what it means to be human in the 21st century.
For many years I’ve had an expectation that my writing owes me something given the amount of time I’ve spent writing and crafting content for an audience; and I’ve written with that in mind. The conclusion I’ve come to is that nothing owes anybody anything. We stand and fall by our values and beliefs. It’s time to embrace what I’ve been writing about since the earliest years, that life is the journey we embark on when we realise we are full participants with a role to play, rather than passive observers swept up in events and circumstances
This blog owes me nothing. I am someone who is fascinated by how psychology and philosophy intersect with technology. I am the person who has a spiritual and a rational side, and these are not incongruent, in fact they are the most congruent thing of all. I am the person who writes fiction, business and spritiual books.
I’ve embraced the author, the writer, the thinker, the observer, the person and the human in me. Everything matters to me but it may not matter to others and just because that’s true doesn’t mean I should ignore it. From now on I write for me. I hope you find it interesting, entertaining or thought provoking. Either way, it’s been a long overdue revelation that it’s OK to find my freedom by finding my voice.
If you want to continue to explore the world with me, please stay and share the journey. If however you feel that the time to depart has come I wish you a fond farewell and that life, love and laughter are yours now and the future.